Self Destructive Boyfriend

2021.10.26 17:51 MoA285 Self Destructive Boyfriend

Hi,
My name is Moa. I hope you can understand why I wrote it that way. .. and I apologize for any grammatical errors. I'm still learning English.

Usually my way of comparing my thoughts is by writing them out in a text file, making a mind map, or discussing them with someone. I don't feel like I need help solving my problems and writing about them on the internet seems .. weird to me. . but I discovered this group and thought I'd try to write a little confessional because I'm likely to find like-minded individuals here.

My boyfriend and I recently took a "break" for three months. The reason was that we have the same view of the world, dare I say we even see the world through the same eyes, but the problem was that he didn't like or trust himself. I knew that from the beginning and I know that's not the best premise to start a relationship. We've always been open with each other about the fact that there's this barrier that prevents our relationship from being deeper and it's even possible that it could have been the way we are. (.. but how could anyone like someone else if they don't like themselves..) With all of that went his self-destructive behavior. He would change his opinions as it suited him, which I didn't mind at first because it gave the relationship a certain dynamic, but as time went on, unnecessary arguments began to be artificially constructed.

Everything was always fine otherwise, unless he created some unnecessary conflict. You know, I think in any relationship, both parties are always responsible for the problems. One could make concessions, people could compromise, and even though some of these "parts" of the relationship are just part of the "courtship ritual" for me I didn't mind doing it because I got along with him otherwise and we didn't have other problems, but here it got to the point where it started creating problems just to.. (as he said).. make him feel like he won. We even tried to work out some compromises, ways of doing things so that it made sense, but it never worked. I even suggested that we both do what we wanted and then he would call me when he wanted to do something.

He knew it was wrong when even with what he suggested he had trouble sticking to it. He even started seeing a psychologist. (We took a break at that point. - it's been two months at this point) As you probably know, it's hard to find someone you can trust and still have a similar vibe with, but these issues he was having were going to take some time to work through. The psychologist told him after a few minutes, so I guess you want someone who accepts you for who you are. He replied that he did, but how can he ask someone to do that when he doesn't even like himself the way he is. I always told him I was fine with whatever the outcome was with him. Plus, the psychologist was advising him things that I was trying to tell him in stories from my life (.. the so called "hard way").. and I'm not entirely sure it helped.

My point is, I don't know what to do now. I used to dislike and distrust myself too, so I understand what he's going through. The person behind the problem is the person I've always been looking for. I believe he'll get over it, but it won't be right away. I don't mind waiting, and even if he doesn't get over it I won't worry too much about it because at that point he wouldn't be the person for me, but in three months few people get over this and knowing him I know he will have doubts that cloud his judgement. I didn't want to influence him in any way at that time, so I told him to call me when he made up his mind. (Yeah, I know I set a trap for myself now.)

Uniques are hard to find and confronting your problems in your head is difficult. My "help" never had an effect and even though the psychologist told him the same thing I was trying to convey, I don't believe it helped, in fact quite the opposite.

I know that...
... whatever part of himself he decides makes sense to him, I'll be able to live with that part.
... not many people can do that in three months, and three months is usually a time when you've distanced yourself so much from others that there's no connection left. (.. and yes I know, if it makes sense, the connection will stay there.)

It's just very hard to admit that you would lose the person you get along with so well because he's troubled by psychological issues you've been through yourself and you have an idea of what might be going through the other person's head.

I don't really know what I'm asking you to do or why I'm writing this.

Thanks for reading

Moa
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